I had a dream the other night about Robert Downey, Jr... In the dream, I met him! Actually, I met him and some of his family, and we all hung out together watching TV in a perfectly ordinary basement - as you do when you meet celebs, I'm sure. At some point during this TV-watching session, I discovered that Rob (we became fast friends, naturally) was genuinely, truly, Ironman. And without any sensible segue, the rest of my dream entailed me and Rob-as-Ironman taking on a vicious drug cartel. Sadly I woke before the cartel was fully vanquished, but I can only assume that we kicked all their butts and saved the day.
It was SO random, and seemingly out of nowhere. I mean, I can't even remember the last time I heard someone talking about Ironman. Have you ever had that kind of dream?
While some dreams are hard to figure out, it's pretty easy to extrapolate from that one my underlying desire to be a superhero. Because I sure as heck don't feel like one in the daytime! Superhero, supermom, superwife, superfriend...nope, nope, nope, and nope. More often than not these days, *I'm* the one who needs rescuing. We're nearly 5 months into life with a 2nd baby and I don't have things anywhere near as 'together' as I thought I would by now. Something is still always slipping. A lot of times that is this blog, because in weeks like this one, where M is on the other side of the world for 8 days and both girls aren't sleeping and we are all sick, by the time I get them situated and in bed it's after 10pm and I'm. just. exhausted. Other times what slips is making dinner, taking a shower, even finding time to pray. This isn't a new feeling...it's just loitering around longer than I'd hoped.
I've always been hard on myself. A typical perfectionist, my self-view is the harshest one around. I mentally harangue myself when I can't handle things completely on my own. If I get frustrated, or impatient, or snap - I then get frustrated and impatient with myself for losing my grip! I was thinking about that today, how I am being so hard on myself, and I remembered that before Peanut was born I listed my goals for the year: one of the biggest was to give myself grace in the upcoming new season with an expanded family and double the responsibilities. Grace, patience, and flexibility were the words I used - none of which I am granting myself right now. I don't need to be SuperMom - or a superhero of any sort. I just need to be present. I need to show up - truly show up 100%, and try my best, every day. Some days that may require a lot more coffee and odd moments hiding in the bathroom than other days, and even sometimes my mom coming to my rescue because I just can't cope (thank you Mom...!).
But I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to have this all down pat. It's a learning curve, and a big one at that - and just like trying to be patient with the tantrums and the crying/screaming kiddo moments, I also have to try and be patient with myself, as I figure all of this out. So today, I'm grateful for moments of reflection and introspection, that remind me that I don't have to be perfect. I just need to try my best.
Do you hold yourself to an unrealistic ideal? How do you find grace or patience in your day?