Hey everyone. It has been a tough week. I have been struggling - with parenting, with patience, with tantrums, with sleepless children, with headaches, and with my own emotions. Every time it takes me an hour to get my little ones into bed, I lose 'me' time in the evening. Every time the kiddos nap on different schedules, I lose my 'to do' time during the day, where normally I'd make the calls, pay the bills, generally organize life, and then hopefully have time left over to blog. That has described my life this week. And on top of everything else, we've had some news that has thrown us for a bit of a loop. This is when I'd say to someone else, "It's time to give it over to God." - a phrase that I heard a lot growing up. That and "...cast all your cares upon Him" which basically means take all of your worries and anxieties and everything bothering you, pray about them, get them off your chest, and then leave them at God's feet. Let Him take the weight of them off your shoulders and give you peace.
Which is so much easier said than done.
Today I just find myself fighting to believe that the worries are actually gone. Even after praying, they creep back in, lingering and refusing to leave. Is it doubt? Do I not trust God enough? Enough to handle everything going on in my life, everything that is heavy on my mind....am I not a good enough believer? Instead I insist on going over and over and over every detail in my mind, trying desperately to see clearly what the answer is, hoping to trust my intellect and common sense to come to the correct course of action.
Why is it that I can say all the right things in someone else's situation, genuinely believing them, and yet I just can't trust my own advice and words when it is a problem that I am dealing with myself?
This week I feel so far away from God. And logical me knows that can only be my own doing; it's certainly not His fault. If I can't hear His voice, I mustn't be listening with a clear enough ear. I am sorely lacking in faith, in a moment when I truly, truly need it... When I was a kid, I had so much faith. It bubbled out of me like an effervescent fountain of joy - I loved going to church, singing worship songs, hearing the Word. After a decade of being slowly separated from church and religion and spirituality, in the last five years I have been reconnecting with God, rebuilding the bridges that I'd burned down. But I still haven't gotten back to that childlike belief, that unwavering trust that everything would be ok because my God can handle anything.
But this is the kind of time where doubt is the most destructive...I need to hold onto my belief in a merciful and healing God, my faith in the unseen and unheard, my trust in His love for us all. I need to get on my knees and pray, over and over again, until I can hear something - a word, a whisper. I need to pray constantly, through the tears and through the doubt. And I need all of you to pray too. For faith when it is so hard to hold onto; for healing and protection; for guidance and understanding. Please pray with me, friends. I am so, so grateful for all the prayers you're willing to send.