You know when you have a million good intentions, and plans, and thousands of things on your to do list that you genuinely need and want to cross off and complete? And then something unexpected comes up, and you get to the end of the day and realize you've not done even one of the things you needed to do?
That is motherhood. At least it is to me. I constantly find myself at 11pm, like now, thinking over my day only to sigh and feel completely dejected because the 4 critical things I needed to do haven't been done, nor the hundreds of other things I *wanted* to get done that were carried over from my to do lists of the previous few months. Nothing makes my Type A self feel more like a failure than my inability to control what's going on in my life. And I get it. Kids are hard work, they cause upheaval and throw schedules off, they add a layer (or ten) of complexity to the former day-to-day grind. Nothing will really be easy anymore (besides LOVE - that is *super* easy!) but it doesn't make the jagged pill of failure any easier to swallow. I used to have my life in control. Now I can't even get my child to stay asleep after I set her down....
It was of course easier with just one. Not at first - that was much worse, the true 'sink or swim' induction into parenthood. And it took a long while to start to feel easier. But I had a solid year there where I felt 'with it' - on top of the household matters, paying bills, laundry, cooking REAL meals almost every night. Plus having time to blog, to shower (yes - EVERY.DAY.), to paint my nails or meet a friend for dinner. Now I look around and think, how on earth did I ever think I was busy with just the one child??
I know of course that like all seasons, this too will pass. Months down the line I'll be sitting back, getting through the day smoothly and masterfully, having restarted all of the things I love to do and just can't find time to squeeze in these days, and this will seem like just a distant memory. But right now, in this now, I am feeling a little overwhelmed at times. I am feeling a little incapable at times. And I am just praying that my sea legs kick in soon so the ground stops swaying beneath my feet and I can take a flying tackle at all of those items on my To Do list.