Hey there. It's me, Rebecca. You might remember me as a girl who used to blog fairly consistently in this space...? (It's ok if you've forgotten. I seem to have too.)
I have been experiencing a genuine struggle with this whole blog thing. Can you believe that I have 38 drafted blog posts sitting in my home page? THIRTY EIGHT. Starting from before Peanut came along until as recently as this evening and on a myriad of topics, and yet, for the life of me, I cannot seem to find the words to complete any of them. I look at what I wrote, or the images I chose, and I am completely and utterly lacking in inspiration. I don't even know where to look for inspiration.
I've spent many a night in the last few months just staring blankly at my computer screen. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I kept thinking, maybe it's because I don't have a designated writing space that clearly delineates my purpose when I'm sitting there, or I'm just so tired from Peanut waking up three times a night still, or maybe I'm in need a big bloggy breakthrough from some inspirational webinar....maybe it's because I feel overwhelmed by the whole scheduling in advance, tweeting several times a day, trying to grow my followers on all social media accounts hullabaloo that seems to accompany blogging. It doesn't matter, truly. I lost my way.
And then the Influence Conference happened - and I felt inspired! The whole weekend was an infusion of spirit that I desperately needed. I left feeling full and high and charged. Refreshed in my approach to motherhood and enjoying the small moments, rejuvenated in my spiritual journey, freshly charged up with a heart for service and wanting to seek ways to use my abilities to comfort the downtrodden - however that looks - and on a mission to truly discover our community here at home. All of these things are extraneous to blogging. And I thought, maybe me losing my way wasn't related to blogging at all. (I'm not being intentionally cryptic, but rather it would take me pages and pages to explain my headspace on this.)
Here's what I do know: I don't want to quit this space. I don't want to give up on writing, because that is still a big passion of mine. And maybe I can do some good with it somewhere down the line. But I do need to figure out how to marry these competing interests whilst devoting the majority of my time to parenting, my marriage, my community, and whatever growth God has planned for me. I gather that it will change this space a lot. I make no apology for taking a wholehearted leap back into living 'in real life' more intentionally than I had been - but I do hope that you join me for the journey ahead, because I am genuinely excited to see what happens here in the pursuit of an undivided heart out there. I think it can only better my efforts in whatever I continue to do, even if that means posting erratically for a while.
I'm particularly grateful today. I'm grateful for the messages that I took from the conference, and thankful that they are sticking with me, even after the return to real life has calmed the initial spike of energy and inspiration to a slightly more even keel. I'm grateful that I've managed to start some of the 'next steps' I walked away with on my heart. I'm grateful that the time I haven't spent blogging or on social media the last few weeks has been invested in developing more quality time with my girls, and a return to cooking real meals for my husband, and talking to people in our community and making plans for play dates. I'm grateful that no matter how many times we (in our humanness) fall back on that walk with God, He always welcomes us back in step with open arms and a song. I'm grateful for the friendships that became 'real life' friendships, and for the prayers - and the laughs! - that Emily & Amy reach out and share with me. I'm grateful for finding a church where the music speaks to me, and where we seem to be starting to make connections. And I'm grateful for the connections I have shared with you. I'm grateful that this is my own space, and that truly nobody is putting pressure on me to write, besides myself.
I am grateful.